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A Kanjoos on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, Im here
My sons & daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Kanjoos:To phir baju wale kamre
ka pankha Q khula hay
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1 Kanjoos 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne apni ghar ki khirki me
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!

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Kanjoos ne arbi ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
Arbi ne usay MERCEDES gift kardi.
Arbi ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
Kanjoos ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar Arbi ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
Kanjoos:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
Arbi:Munna!!
Ab hamarey ander bhi Kanjoos ka khoon dor raha hay

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A Kanjoos called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Baap Mar gaya hai, kya charges hongay?
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Kanjoos: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho “Sohan Bhai Died”.
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Kanjoos: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do….. Acha likho……. ……… .
Sohan Bhai Died – Suzuki for Sale .

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Kanjoos ask to Taxi Driver: Abdullah Shah Ghazi k mazaar jao gay?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Kanjoos ne jaib se shopper nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ki biryani lete aana.

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Shadi me 1 Kanjoos bahut der tk khata raha,
Kisi ne pocha bhae kb tk khaty rhogy?
Kanjoos: Yaar me khud kha kha k thak gya hun pr kya karoon card me likha tha “Dinner 7 to 10pm

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Kanjoos to dukandar: Yaar zara toothbrush dena mere brush ka 1 baal toot gaya hai
Dukandar: 1 baal toota to naya q le rahe ho
Kanjoos: jo toota hai woh akhri tha.

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EK KANJOOS KHALI KATOREY MAIN
ROTI DABA KAR KHA RAHA THA
WAITER NE DEKA TU POUCHA
AP YAH KIA KAR RAHEY HIAN
KANJOOS NE JAWAB DIYA
MAIN MATHS KA TEACHER HOON OR DALL
SUPPOSE KAR KAY KHARAHA HOON

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Titanic K Sath Kanjoos Bhi Doob Raha Tha
Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost:
Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Kanjoos:
Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda
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No one can see your passwords or whatever you ‘ re typing

No one can see whatever you ‘ re typing or which website you ‘ re surfing

And the Ultimate is…

Chintu ke boss bhi the bade cool
Promotion ko har baar jate the bhul
Par bhulte nahi the wo deadline
Kaam to karwate the roz till nine

Chintu bhi banana chahta tha best
Isliye to wo nahi karta tha rest
Din raat karta wo boss ki gulami
Appraisal ke ummid main deta salami

Din guzre aur guzre fir saal
Bura hota gaya Chintu ka haal
Chintu ko ab kuch yaad na rehta tha
Galti se Biwi ko Behenji kehta tha

Aakhir ek din Chintu ko samjh aaya
Aur chod di usne Appraisal ki moh maya
Boss ko bola, “Tum kyon satate ho ?”
“Appraisal ke laddu se buddu banate ho”

“Promotion do warna chala jaunga”
“Appraisal dene par bhi wapis na aunga”
Boss haans ke bola “Nahi koi baat”
“Abhi aur bhi Chintus hai mere paas”

“Yeh duniya Chintuon se bhari hai”
“Sabko bas aage badhne ki padi hai”
“Tum na karoge to kisi aur se karaunga”
“Tumhari tarah Ek aur Chintu banaunga”

Check your outfit for any frayed ends, ripped off falls, stains, discoloration as it looks bad.
Do not wear clothes a size to small or else the bulges will be more obvious, also do not wear baggy clothes as they make you look fat.
Wear appropriate foot wear as it should be in accordance with your dress and the occasion. Unpolished shoes are a complete no.

10 Simple Fashion Tips for Women

• Forget about the word “fashion” and think “style” – it may be mentally less intimidating or more “wearable”! says Ripley.

• Even if you stay at home, make an effort to dress everyday as if you are going out. This changes your whole approach to even the most mundane household chores. You will find you have a more positive attitude and are less inclined to be reduced to a couch potato, in your slovenly sweat pants and baggy T-shirt.

• Clear out your closet. Get rid of those items which are outdated, do not suit you or simply do not make you feel good. Make room for that new wardrobe of clothes that you are going to build, slowly, piece by piece.

• Take stock of how many classic items you currently have in your closet. Start building new outfits which will prove versatile and timeless – go anywhere and do anything. You should aim to have a wardrobe base of well cut, classic pieces and a few cheap fun, fashionable outfits that are right on trend, which can be replaced every season.

• Treat your wardrobe as an investment. “Create a closet that is full of must-have pieces rather than make-do ones,” adds Ripley.

• Ensure that your wardrobe is built around some style staples which will take you from season to season and can be dressed up or down. A good coat, a little black dress, a wrap dress, well cut denims, a classic pair of black pants, cashemere cardigan and a stylish crisp white shirt. Update these looks every season with some fab accessories.

• According to Ripley, buying a really great bag and a pair of look-at-me shoes, which will transform any outfit. Transform your “walk” into a “wiggle”.

• Get to know your body shape. Are you a pear, apple, brick, hour glass or inverted triangle? Read up on the free fashion advice available on Suite 101 and learn how to dress for your body shape.

• Learn how to play down your flaws and make the most of your assets. Learn how to disguise big hips, stomach or a large bust and learn what not to wear if you are short or flat-chested.

• Shop smarter. Ask yourself a few key questions regarding what suits you before you shop and plan what to buy in advance.

There is never a better time than the start of the new year to create a brand new you. The first important step is to detox your wardrobe, clearing out those outfits which do not make you feel good. The second is to learn what cuts and colors work best for you and the basic style rules of women’s fashion.

Finally, the next time you feel inclined to throw on a baggy T-shirt and pants, take some advice from Ripley, “Anything that makes you feel frumpy, dumpy and lumpy does nothing for your sense of self.”

Always try to smell good as awful smell will drive people away from you. In summers wear fabrics which are light and cool.

Also inapt make up and broken nails look awful. If you present your self properly you will rule the world with your charm and grace.

Your dressing sense speaks a lot about you. So always wear what is not only trendy but equally comfortable.

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you like to win but think you can’t,
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.
If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will.
It’s all in the state of mind.
If you think you are out classed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of your-self before
You can ever win the prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey.
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what’s true,

One life can make a difference,
You see, it’s up to you!